Friday, April 18, 2014

I had a short talk with J. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

A development: reconciliation (is that the right word?) with my old group of friends is more likely than I thought. I still won’t be invited to their parties if they’re at the flat of the girl who hates me (which all of their parties are) because she does not want me in her home. (They are having one of those parties right now but I’m going to ~Enonkoski City~ with noarel so I don’t even care. Yeah, bitch!) BUT, crucially, J said that if I’m the one hosting the party, they’ll come. He agreed that the current situation is very unfair on me. I asked my mum if I could have parties here in my parents’ house next summer while they’re at the summer cottage and she said yes. So this is definitely a victory, albeit a minor one. I really miss the whole gang and I’m hella lonely so it’s about fucking time.

I still have some things I want to say to him but that will have to wait until the next time we meet (probably next month).

But all in all everything went better than expected.


just as I thought my body had gotten used to the meds enough that I could safely drink alcohol without mad side effects (I have been to a few uni parties and I drank a lot of booze there and I was fine),

well, last night happens.

I had only like five beers (and I have a pretty high tolerance for alcohol) and I was completely WASTED. I puked when I got home. My head still feels completely weird and my vision’s hazy and I feel sick. There are moments of last night missing from my memory. I have no memory of the journey home. My sister had to practically carry me to bed. I… said some things to people. Not anything bad, but now I feel quite ashamed. A person phoned me today and said that I’d been in a pretty bad condition last night. Which I was.

I invited him over for coffee because a)I want to clear up that I didn’t mean to get super drunk and confront him and I was in fact suffering from side effects from my antidepressants and b)I haven’t properly talked to him since he kicked me out of his life last autumn. I’ve been wanting to talk to him about things for some time but now that I saw him in the flesh, as it were, I don’t feel like I’ll be able to talk about things. But I think I need to at least have a chat with him and see how that makes me feel. Or something. I have vague hopes of reconciliation with the group but frankly it’s unlikely. I probably still won’t be invited to their parties but if I’m going to spend the summer here, I want to at least be able to invite some of them to our summer cottage.

Anyway, GODDAMIT meds, you were not supposed to do this.

Thursday, April 17, 2014


can we just take a moment to appreciate David O’Doherty’s website?

  • I feel like the job interview didn’t go great
  • but I have a thing next Tuesday where they test my cleaning skills and that’s what determines if I get the job
  • It is weird to be home/at my parents’ place
  • I think I had a mild anxiety attack earlier & my hands are still shaking and am feeling mega anxious
  • Because of reasons relating to this town & people
  • I think I’m going to vomit oh gosh I hate how such little things can make me feel this shit
  • Anyway
  • My dad is snoring on the sofa and it is the most grating sound ever & I wish I could punch him or something
  • Anyway
  • I think I mentioned the people who kind of told me to get out of their lives? Yea well, it’s been a while and I’ve had no contact with them so I’m not sure if they want to see me or not, but I’d really like to see some of the other guys in the gang ‘cuz I miss them
  • I think I’ll go to the pub tonight and walk up to the group of people and be like “Does anyone mind if I join you? If some one has a problem with me, I’ll just go home. Otherwise, I shall take a seat at this table and drink some beer. OK?”
  • You see, I’m not sure if I’m invited. I mean, no one has invited me so I guess I’m not, but surely it’s within my rights to go and ask politely if I may join them? And if they tell me to go away I will go away. And cry forever.
  • And if I stay there and it gets awkward I can always just go home any time because my little sister finally got her driver’s license and has promised to drive me home aww yiss







I don’t care what kind of blog I have I will blog this no matter what.

"Craving sensation: feeling unreal" was such a huge part of the beginning of my relapse. I was convinced that people in front of me didn’t even exist and I kept touching things and trying to feel sensation. I’m reblogging because I know that that was so horrifying for me and I never want anyone else to go through it. 

In case someone needs to see this

Just in case this can help someone. Some suggestions also seem harmful (eating a hot pepper really hurts!!!) but steps to feeling better and not self harming is most important. Sending you love and light

STOP SCROLLING! Please reblog this vitally important information because at least one of your followers is self-harming. Thank you!

I need this

(Source: mentalhealthnostigma)

Jo Brand meets Jon Richardson at Mencap’s Big Comedy Special

I adore hearing Jon speak openly and honestly and seriously about issues like these. He makes my heart warm.

(Source: checkthemeaning)


This is important:

Petition to recognize Autism Speaks as a hate group and revoke it’s non-profit status

If you don’t know about the acts of Autism Speaks, I encourage you to learn of their wrongdoings here, here, and here

PLEASE signalboost, this is rather important

Wednesday, April 16, 2014


reading a foreign language: yeah
writing in a foreign language: ok
listening to a foreign language: wait
speaking in a foreign language: fuck

(Source: caramelzappa)


me too walt
me too


me too walt

me too

!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111 ajattelin muuten tänään neposta. nähään perjantaina

sdsdhkjsdhksjd haista vi… ei kun siis ah kiitos muistutuksesta en ollutkaan ajatellut neposta pitkään aikaan voi kuinka kivaa

Good luck on your interview!
Thanks! I can’t wait to spend my summer cleaning hotel rooms (that is, if I get the job)… oh well, (almost) any job is better than none!
Tuesday, April 15, 2014


if tumblr is so accepting than why is it that i, a straight man, 

Hannibal | Christ imagery

(Source: hannibeatles)