Someone was selling a ticket to Hesarin Appro (a student event where you go into different bars, a bit like a pub crawl) and I bought it. I don’t know if anyone I know is going on the same day as me, but I thought fuck it, this is a chance to meet new people, and if not, heck, it won’t kill me if I have to be alone. Anyway hmmm this was pretty spontaneous but yeah I hope it’ll be fun.
also on an unrelated note: yes the world is an unfair place but I think I may yet survive
at this moment I feel like some of the fog has lifted momentarily and I can see that the things which are making me unhappy at this point in my life are not forever (because nothing is), and… well, I’ve lost my train of thought now. but
no, OK, let me proceed by telling you a thing. I spent last night with my best friend (noarel) and my sister playing board games and it was the most fun I’ve had in… almost as long as I can remember. I mean, I suppose we didn’t do anything that special but… I really can’t remember the last time I laughed properly, but last night I laughed so hard I almost cried and my stomach hurt and I could hardly speak for all the laughing.
AND crucially, I realized that last night I felt the least anxious and most mentally healthy in a long time. and I have come to the conclusion that yeah the thing is probably true. which is to say that several of my followers have upon reading some of my posts suspected that I’m depressed. and I’m still not entirely sure, but I think I must be. even though I don’t really feel suicidal or anything like that, all the lack of motivation and losing interest in my favourite things and feelings of uselessness and anxiety and loneliness and never laughing and especially the inactivity and the inability to.. do things, it all points towards depression.
I used to think that these feelings were just a natural reaction to all the bad stuff that happened in the last two or so years, but I’ve been stuck in a rut for so long that it’s hard to believe that anymore. I mean, I guess it’s irrelevant whether my current state of mind was triggered by those bad things or if I would have developed depression anyway… it’s irrelevant because whatever it is, it seems to be here to stay. or at least it hasn’t gone away by now.
so as much as I hate the idea, I’m probably going to see a psychiatrist or something. yeah I think this moment of clarity is very good. I mean, they do say that the first step to recovery is recognizing that you have a problem. not that I have completely accepted it yet & I obviously can’t diagnose myself.
but it’s an undeniable fact that some aspects of my life are in a bit of a mess & I have to do something about that & now all I have to do is tell myself it’s OK to ask for help. I have this nagging voice in my head saying: “I can’t go to a psychiatrist! That’s for people who actually NEED help! ANd I’m completely OK, obviously I am, I can’t be depressed, I’m just shiny, I’d just be wasting their time!!! I don’t have a right to do that!” etc.
I can feel the anxiety creeping back, butterflies, no, cockroaches and worms, in my belly, my guts in tight knots. tomorrow I may have none of the clarity and cautious optimism left. but the point (or at least conclusion) of this post comes here: at this moment, I look into the future and I see myself finally getting my shit together. or at least trying the best I can, and this time asking for help. and I have no idea how that will go but I hope very much that I can some day feel like I’m even with the world and myself.
I had a short talk with J. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
A development: reconciliation (is that the right word?) with my old group of friends is more likely than I thought. I still won’t be invited to their parties if they’re at the flat of the girl who hates me (which all of their parties are) because she does not want me in her home. (They are having one of those parties right now but I’m going to ~Enonkoski City~ with noarel so I don’t even care. Yeah, bitch!) BUT, crucially, J said that if I’m the one hosting the party, they’ll come. He agreed that the current situation is very unfair on me. I asked my mum if I could have parties here in my parents’ house next summer while they’re at the summer cottage and she said yes. So this is definitely a victory, albeit a minor one. I really miss the whole gang and I’m hella lonely so it’s about fucking time.
I still have some things I want to say to him but that will have to wait until the next time we meet (probably next month).
But all in all everything went better than expected.
just as I thought my body had gotten used to the meds enough that I could safely drink alcohol without mad side effects (I have been to a few uni parties and I drank a lot of booze there and I was fine),
well, last night happens.
I had only like five beers (and I have a pretty high tolerance for alcohol) and I was completely WASTED. I puked when I got home. My head still feels completely weird and my vision’s hazy and I feel sick. There are moments of last night missing from my memory. I have no memory of the journey home. My sister had to practically carry me to bed. I… said some things to people. Not anything bad, but now I feel quite ashamed. A person phoned me today and said that I’d been in a pretty bad condition last night. Which I was.
I invited him over for coffee because a)I want to clear up that I didn’t mean to get super drunk and confront him and I was in fact suffering from side effects from my antidepressants and b)I haven’t properly talked to him since he kicked me out of his life last autumn. I’ve been wanting to talk to him about things for some time but now that I saw him in the flesh, as it were, I don’t feel like I’ll be able to talk about things. But I think I need to at least have a chat with him and see how that makes me feel. Or something. I have vague hopes of reconciliation with the group but frankly it’s unlikely. I probably still won’t be invited to their parties but if I’m going to spend the summer here, I want to at least be able to invite some of them to our summer cottage.
Anyway, GODDAMIT meds, you were not supposed to do this.
- I feel like the job interview didn’t go great
- but I have a thing next Tuesday where they test my cleaning skills and that’s what determines if I get the job
- It is weird to be home/at my parents’ place
- I think I had a mild anxiety attack earlier & my hands are still shaking and am feeling mega anxious
- Because of reasons relating to this town & people
- I think I’m going to vomit oh gosh I hate how such little things can make me feel this shit
- My dad is snoring on the sofa and it is the most grating sound ever & I wish I could punch him or something
- I think I mentioned the people who kind of told me to get out of their lives? Yea well, it’s been a while and I’ve had no contact with them so I’m not sure if they want to see me or not, but I’d really like to see some of the other guys in the gang ‘cuz I miss them
- I think I’ll go to the pub tonight and walk up to the group of people and be like “Does anyone mind if I join you? If some one has a problem with me, I’ll just go home. Otherwise, I shall take a seat at this table and drink some beer. OK?”
- You see, I’m not sure if I’m invited. I mean, no one has invited me so I guess I’m not, but surely it’s within my rights to go and ask politely if I may join them? And if they tell me to go away I will go away. And cry forever.
- And if I stay there and it gets awkward I can always just go home any time because my little sister finally got her driver’s license and has promised to drive me home aww yiss
Alright you guys
Tomorrow I shall be journeying to the East to spend a week or so in the magical land of Savonlinna and perhaps even Enonkoski.
If you happen to be there too just holla at me and let’s get together,
otherwise I’ll maybe see a bit less of you people since I won’t be on Tumblr all the time.
I have been feeling really weird and depressed so I hope seeing my family will make me feel a tad more normal. We shall see.
PS. Wish me luck for my job interview!
the only reason I’m drunk btw is that my friend thought there was a uni pary tonight and we went out to the city center only to find out it’s next month so then we had to go home but I figured since I’d already had some beer that I’d have some more. I’m not just randomly pissed on a tuesday night
ok so for the last week or so I have become ridiculously addicted to let’s play videos (that is, even more addicted than I was already)
right now I’m watching let’s plays and drinking beer (yeah on a tuesday what r u gonna do call the police? i can’t be tamed)
and… this british guy… is… playing…
I had almost nearly forgotten about this game but it was like my entire childhood
omg chiquita bombs
that’s ALL I really ever did in this game… that and laser
excuse me while i bask in the nostalgia
so in our Structural Analysis class there’s a requirement that you have to have turned in all the homework assignments on time or else you can’t attend the exam
well the thing is that I completely forgot to do one of them and I have been a bit nervous about whether I can actually complete the course
sooo today the teacher posted two lists online: one for those students who have done all the homework and one for those who have missed one and have to do an extra assignment
and guess fucking what? I am magically on the “done all homework” list
awwwww yiss life is good
also I have found out that the best way to remove bloodstains from cotton is to soak it in vinegar for an hour or two
actual consumer advice brought to you by a quality blog tm
I did the thing :(
this feels wrong somehow :/
also I forgot to say that I found out today that apparently there was a sitsit on Sunday? and no one told me? and there was nothing on the mailing list. aw shit
I am seriously considering joining Facebook rn. I really don’t want to but it looks like I have no other way of knowing about parties and such. And I don’t want to miss another sitsit.
I don’t knowww, should I do it or not?????
I woke up earlier than usual today and accidentally made green tea for breakfast instead of black tea and now I’ve got a killer headache, I feel nauseous & completely unable to concentrate on the assignment whose deadline is in 2 hours
this living arrangement is starting to get a bit old
Liityin just vasemmistonuoriin
r u jealous